I was a picky eater as a child, and over the years, I’ve collected food-related fantasies that loosely fit into “If I were royalty, I would request…” Today I categorized those food fantasies into three main groups.

High Effort Food Fantasies

The prime example of this is grapefruit or pomelo. When peeled properly, grapefruit pieces are pristine juice-laden pods without membrane to distract from the tart and fragrant experience. But this state requires much effort – peeling off the skin and pith, separating the membrane, removing the seeds. Industrially peeled grapefruit is not comparable, especially when suspended in sugary fluids for unknown periods. If I were royalty, I would surely request freshly peeled grapefruit, likely prepared in my presence so I could watch expert peeling.

On the other hand, I would also request a steady supply of sunflower seeds that i would crack myself.

High-Consistency Food Fantasies

Blueberries rank highly on my list of favorite summer snacks, and I imagined they were solid blue on the inside until last year – a surprise, but not disappointing. Small fruits are disappointing in that every instance differs in sweetness, texture, ripeness, etc. I expect the royal grapefruit peeler would also study how to control or select for perfect-consistency blueberry servings. I’d be content too with a giant blueberry the size of an apple with consistent flavor and mouthfeel throughout.

With the blueberry studies underway, I would outlaw sandwiches that are too large to hold and sandwiches where the innards slide around during consumption (seriously, how unsavory does that sound?). I would instead request sandwich sets of multiple bite-sized mini-sandwiches, each containing the same proportions of ingredients. None would contain crusts.

Top of the Muffin Fantasies

Many of us, like Elaine Benes, fantasize about popping off the top of the muffin and throwing out the stump. I’d like to eat only asparagus tips and the soft centers of chocolate chip cookies. These fantasies would be the most easily implemented, but they make me feel worst about my personal goodness. It’s treating food enjoyment as a zero-sum game, whereas I could imagine that the society would eventually develop a robot to peel grapefruit, for the enjoyment of all. Waste comprises an indispensable part of the luxurious enjoyment of top of the muffin fantasies.

Why did I write this?

I don’t know, perhaps to make use of overthinking. Perhaps to publicize the urgent crisis of slippery-innard sandwiches.

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